Mother's Day

Sitting here at my computer remembering what Mother's Day meant for me before I came to terms with God's will not mine, but His. Lets just say, it was not a happy mother's day in my household. To me Mother's Day was my most dreaded day of the entire year. Not because of my mom-- I have a wonderful mom. But I wanted nothing more than to experience 'being' a mom. I wanted to belong to this M-O-M Club- I wanted play dates, sticky fingers, slobbery kisses, cheesy homemade cards... and I couldn't have it, not for lack of trying, I might add.

I hated Mother's Day!

Great (insert sarcasm) , a day to remind me how inadequate I was, to remind me of every doctors appointment to find out why I was not getting pregnant, every surgery done to end in failure, every stick I pee'd on leaving me crying in the bathroom, the comments like,

"your time will come sweetie,"
"just celebrate your mom,"
I know people have good intentions, but comments suck!

There was NOTHING good to me about this day! This specific day every year, I wanted nothing more then to climb back in bed; spend the day with a bag of chocolates & box of Kleenex; or better yet, ignore the holiday all together!
To sum it up, Mother's Day to me meant........ 'you are a failure!'

My heart ached & hurt in ways that words could never describe. But none the less I knew that I had to plaster (& I do mean plaster) on my happy face & press on. I remember telling Adam before leaving the house, "please hang close to me today I'm not sure how much I can handle." Even though, I know didn't REALLY get it either, I had comfort in knowing that he would carry on the conversation if I left in tears. I never knew what would bring it on or when an outburst might come. I was a hot mess on the inside, but cool calm & collected on the outside- It was my stepford wife acting at its best!

I truly deserve an academy award for this time in my life!

So as I sit here tonight remembering these feelings. I am reminded of how many woman will wake up tomorrow feeling like a failure, hearts saddened, wishing like myself, that they could hide under a rock for just one day out of the year. I am here to encourage you- to tell you that its is ok to eat a bag of chocolate & cry until your eyes are so swollen, no one would recognize you. Its ok to want to curse the day, but it is not ok to stay there. Refuse let bitterness arise in you. Plaster on that smile & fake it til you make it!

You are not alone. If you need a shoulder to cry on- I have really big ones!
I cherish you- YOU are fearfully & wonderfully made.

I believe that Mother's Day should have very little to do with actual biological Mother's but rather a day to celebrate being a woman. Maybe God hasn't given you a child, but God has given you something/ someone to care for, even if it's just your dog! Woman are the most amazing, complex creatures-- you work hard, you care for others, without you, someone's world would be empty, or at least someone else would have to clean, do the laundry & cook dinner. Woman is strong, fierce, glorious in her own, so wear the title proudly.

Proverbs 31:30 

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.” 

PS: Notice it doesn't say "mother" it says "Woman"! 

You: Woman, Friend, Sister, Aunt, Wife, God Parent, Niece, Daughter are greatly praised!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children,

 I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him/her

 and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,

 I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

if you are still with me...My personal experience is not being able to be a mom & the pain that comes with infertility. But I know there are others out there who have lost their mom & just want one more hug, one more shopping trip, one more lunch-- Mother's Day isn't just flowers & candy; for many of us its a day of tears & strength. Just remember God has called you to this time & to this place you can be bitter or you can be a blessing- you have to choose which you are going to be.

One day I will be a Mom until then I am happy with this life God has blessed me with and that is my choice friends.