Infertility

infertile.
such an ugly word.
with an even uglier definition.
this word has been stamped on my forehead.
for years.

infertility.
it's dark.
it's lonely.
it's painful.
it's maddening.
it's isolating.
it's life changing.

infertility.
has changed my life...

for the better.

I am grateful
grateful for this trial
what it has taught me.
who it has shaped me into.

what?!
I know.
last year me would punch today's me in the face for saying that.
seriously.

I used to pray for babies.
lots and lots of babies.
time passed.
no babies.
I started praying for answers.
time passed.
no answers.
I started praying for peace.
peace to accept what I can not change.
that's when my perspective started to change
to find peace, I had to exercise faith.
faith in God.
faith in His plan.
faith in His timing.
through faith
I found peace.
I was broken.
and faith healed me.
I then began praying for direction.
and gently He said... remember your desire to adopt.
because I was able to find peace,
it allowed new doors to be opened,
doors I might have closed or forgot about.
it was His plan all along.

He knows.
He hears our prayers.
He knows our fears.
He has a plan.
and it's better
then we could ever dream.

the trials that come into our life
are for our benefit.
to help us become who we need to be.
they make us stronger.

I have grown.
I am stronger.
I don't take things for granted.
I have become a better wife.
a beter friend.
a better me.

I am a better person
because
I am infertile.