Picking up the pieces

"Everything about adoption is hard, except loving the child…" – Jody Dyer, The Eye of Adoption

Good grief, Jody is right.

We really had no idea what we were getting ourselves into when we signed with an adoption agency 8 months ago. Adoption can be hard. It’s a test of your determination, your perseverance, and how much one’s heart can take.

This past winter/spring were probably the most joyous and most heartbreaking time of our lives. We were matched with a baby girl!

After walking with the birth mom for 7 months, our case worker called to say... "the birth mom wants a family with older children, that lives in her area."

And she was gone.

Our adoption isn't going to take place with this baby girl; the one we named, the one we had been preparing for, the one we plastered all over social media we were adopting, it's not happening.

We were devastated. Our hearts were broken.

Yes, this is the short story about what happened. Adoption, the actual story that leads you to your child is so personal. You hold it close and only give out bits and pieces.

But none of that matters, the fact is some adoptions fail.

How do you pick yourself up and go on?

How do you continue to believe that your child is out there waiting for you?

I am not going to lie, you are changed forever after something like this happens. You basically have two choices: let this define you or move forward. We chose to move forward.

Here’s how we got through those tough days.

Grieve
You have lost a child. Some people ask if you can love an adopted child as much as one born to you. The answer is yes.

So give yourself some time to grieve and feel what you are feeling – anger, betrayal, loss. It’s normal.

After we received the news, we packed up and got out of town for a few days. I ignored my phone for a while; I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. I deleted myself off of Facebook and Twitter.

I took sometime off from work, ate ice cream and cried on the couch. Everyone deals with loss and disappointment differently, but it’s important that you deal with it and not let it eat you up inside.

You are not alone in what you’re feeling. Writing my blog really helped me process my emotions. You don’t have to go public, but writing about it might help work out your thoughts.

Don’t be afraid to seek out a counselor to talk with you. Reach out to friends, family and the adoption community and let them know what you are going through.

We received so many well wishes and words of encouragement, even from people that we didn’t even know.

Two months later, I am better. I still think about baby girl... almost every day. I still fight tears when I see little girl things or when a friend makes a pregnancy announcement or an adoption is finalized, but I am better. It does get easier.

Stay busy 
For weeks after, my mind would wander right back to what happen. It was an endless circle. I needed something to keep myself busy.

I have grown in my faith and walk with my God, by spending time reading, worshiping and seeking. I read great books, go for long walks, coffee dates with girlfriends. I love to decorate our home and I started blogging again. Do something!

Re-evaluate
We thought a lot about why this happened to us, how we could have handled the situation differently and what we learned from the experience.

At first, I thought I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe we weren’t meant to have kids, but we both knew that wasn’t true in our hearts. We did make some changes though.

We are staying with our agency. We have decided to not go public every time they show our profile or there is a potential match. Going public last time was almost a must with fundraising. We intend to announce once baby is officially ours. It's emotionally too hard for me, I'd like to keep the roller coaster ride to child size!

You might not want to change anything, but I think it’s a good idea take a little time to pray and make sure that you are on the best path for your family.

Have hope
We haven’t given up. I know the child that is meant to be a part of our family will find us, God's promise. I get wrapped up in thoughts that we will never be parents or start that negative loop worrying the same thing will happen again.

Here is great quote by Nicole Reed that rings true for us, "Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the most wonderful things that will ever happen to us."